Phone: 800-579-8051     email: richard@richardpaul.com  

NFL Speaks Out Against Bullying

I was at a business meeting the other day and one of my clients asked me what my thoughts were about the recent reports involving Miami Dolphin’s football player Richie Incgnito. He has been accused of obscenely harassing, bullying, and threatening a teammate and fellow offensive lineman Jonathan Jonathan Martin in the locker room, via text and voicemail, and elsewhere.

I agree with Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis who said: “there is a difference between hazing and hate.”  There is also a difference between positive team motivation and negative team aggression. One of my older friends is a former college football player and at lunch the other day he shared, ”In my time our definition of hazing was the rookies carrying in the equipment or dressing up funny in public.” Today I think some players and coaches have crossed the line when it comes to good team fun.”

At many of the middle schools and high schools I have spoken to about bullying and cyber bullying, social workers and counselors have shared that there seems to be a double standard regarding what is and not tolerated in the school and in the locker room (field or on the court). For some reason, society seems to think its normal behavior for coaches and team members to trash one another.         . As one counselor put it, “the problem is the teasing, threats and harassment don’t seem to stay in the locker room and on the field.     It finds its way in the hallways, into the classroom, on the bus and on Facebook.” This why is many social workers and counselers are beginning to speak out agains negative, disrespectful locker room behavior.

As a bully prevention specialist I see firsthand how hard many schools and parents are working. They are trying to teach their students positive behavior skills only to be struck down by sports figures and celebrities that have gotten away with their disrespectful behavior.

I am so grateful to Jonathan Martin for courageously coming forward and his willingness to take a personal leave of absence from a football team that was working toward the playoffs. Because of Martin’s willingness to speak up, he reinforced what we as bully free advocates have been driving home to every student to “SPEAK UP AGAINST BULLLYING!” 

I am also appreciative to the NFL and Miami Dolphins for suspending Richie Incognito indefinitely from the team for alleged detrimental conduct pending continued investigation of the inherent issues. This helps reinforce our message to the student that if they speak up against harassment and bullying behavior that we’ve got your back.

Other football greats like Hall of Fame San Francisco 49ers quarterback Steve Young has said, “Great locker rooms self-police.”  This message also reinforces our bully prevention message, “If you see someone being harassed verbally, physically or online you need to say something. Report it and speak up against it.”  Many of the schools that I ‘ve followed up after presenting the bully prevention assembly for their students have reported that when the students follow our instructions to speak up in the hall, classroom, on the bus and online they’re helping  the teacher and staff  put an end to what could end up being an ongoing bullying problem.

Copyright Richard Paul 2013

Pretending It Doesn’t Bother You

Growing up I remember my mother telling me over and over again to pretend it doesn’t bother you. YAH RIGHT! I don’t know how many times I tried that strategy only to have the aggressor in my face screaming and calling me names. Now he wasn’t only making fun of me he was broadcasting it to everyone waiting to go into school. It was so embarrassing I would run into school just trying to get away from everyone.

Dr. Kaufman, Dr. Raphael and Pamela Espeland in their book “Stick Up For Yourself!” writes, “Don’t ignore the bullying. Bullies want a reaction from the people they are picking on. If you ignore them, they’ll try harder.”

Here are three tools available to a child that may be targeted by a bully:

1) Teach them how to use eye contact. Practice in the classroom and or at home. When they are asking you a question remind them to give you eye contact. The more they practice this the easier it will be for them to look an aggressor or a child bullying them in the eyes and tell them to stop it.

 

2) Demonstrate how they can refrain from giving the aggressor the response they are looking for. Brain storm ideas on how they can avoid crying, getting even and losing their temper. For example when I was in 4th grade a kid used to steal my hat and throw it in the mud. I used to get so mad and cry. So my friends and I brainstormed an idea to put an end to the bullying. I went to the second hand store and bought of 15 hats. Then next day I put them in my coat pockets. At school when the kid ran up to steal the hat, I would not get mad or upset I just pulled another hat out of my pocket and put it on my head. After about ten hats he stopped, never bothering me again.

 

3) Start laughing as loud as you can as you walk toward a large crowded place, near a teacher or parent or friends. Just laugh and laugh. I used to do this when a big kid was calling me names, it really freaked him out. Laughing wasn’t the reaction he wanted and he quickly stopped teasing me.Remember instead of telling our kids to just ignore the aggressor teach them how to stay calm and work through it. If you have other suggestions that has worked for you or your children please email me your suggestion at richard@richardpaul.com, comment on this blog or on our Facebook page www.facebook.com/ducksense

 

Also remember from January 20 – 24, 2014 students across the country will participate in the 10th Anniversary of No Name-Calling Week. If you would like additional information on how you can participate email us at richard@richardpaul.com

Copyright Richard Paul 2013

Here is an article that was sent to me…

The students were awesome!

The students were awesome!

Your Children Are Looking Up to You for Guidance

Parents your children are looking up to you for guidance. They want to know right from wrong and they want to know you care about what they have to say.

Here are some of the things that your children can learn from you:

Respect: Be respectful of other people and they will respect others too.

Hope: Display a positive outlook on life and they will discover how to lighten up a dark situation.

Bravery: Show them you are not afraid to step out of your box and they will be willing to take calculated risks.

Self-control: When someone says something to annoy you, walk away and your child will see that fighting doesn’t solve conflicts.

Self-motivation: Be an example of someone that doesn’t just talk about it, you do it and your kids will too.

Anger management: Be willing to step away, take a breath and peacefully release your frustrations and your child will learn how to do the same.

Most importantly be a good listener.  A few months ago my oldest was having a life challenge and he was spilling his guts to me. While he was talking I cut him off in main sentence. He quickly stopped me by saying, “Dad can you please not talk and just listen?”

“The most important function of education at any level is to develop the personality of the individual and the significance of his life to himself and others.” Grayson Kirk

Our kids don’t want us to preach to them or tell them what to do, what they want is for us to give them space, and allow them to take what we have given them over the years and implement it.

“We learn simply by the exposure of living. Much that passes for education is not education at all but ritual.  The fact is that we are being educated when we know it least.” David P. Gardner

Your child is looking up to you for guidance and support don’t let them down.

 

Copyright Richard Paul 2013

Your Kids Need to Know You’ve Got Their Back

 

The early years and all through the teen years children need to know you love them, you are proud of them and you have their back. Just after my son’s graduation, my wife and I received a letter of thanks. He was grateful for all the positive support, guidance and most of all he was happy to know that we had his back.

Having your child’s back is providing them with a web of trust. They need to know you are the foundation of love they can lean on when they are afraid, feel alone or have problems. Children and teens want to know you are willing to give them social support not only in their everyday needs like food, clothing and discipline they also require your non-judgemental emotional support.

I think the worse thing we can do for our kids is to assume they know we have their back. In this fast pace world of busy parents, single parents, divorce or loss of a parent, a child might be afraid to share their feeling or let parents know they have a bullying problem. They may feel the parent is too stressed and angry or that mom or dad really doesn’t care.

Here are some of the ways to remind your child you care:

1)      Be sensitive to the child’s/teen’s needs

2)      Have clear behavioral expectations

3)      Listen and give advice if they ask for it.

4)      Be constistant with the rules and expectations

5)      Never stop telling them you love them and how you appreciate them in your life

Working in combination, parental support and parental control are believed to foster children’s emotional, psychological and behavioral well-being and development.” (Rothrauff et al., 2009 and Bully Free Schools: Circle of Support Resource Guide for Trainers, Dee Lindengerger)

Your kids need to know we’ve got their back, don’t let them down.

Copyright Richard Paul 2013

A Bully Free Summer

Many of us think that bullying only happens in school or during recess, when actually bullying happens anytime and anywhere.  It can happen at bible camp, sports camp, scouting events and even in your own backyard. This is why as parents, neighbors, volunteers and camp counselors we should keep an eye out and speak up when a child is demonstrating aggressive, bullying behavior.

All camp counselors and volunteers should be properly trained to not only recognize bullying behavior but also understand the rules and policies.  They need to all be committed to reminding the campers and their parents what is expected and the discipline that will be enforced if they demonstrate aggressive bullying behavior.   (Richard Paul offers extensive bully prevention training for camp counselors and volunteers.)

Just like at school  there should be a set of rules  at camp that your child understands and that he and his friends know will be enforced if they  start bullying behavior.

“We are not doing children any favors when we rationalize their behavior as “just part of growing up”; when we “give them a break” on honestly-earned consequences we deprive them of the opportunity to learn effective and respectful ways of achieving their goals and meeting their needs.”  Taken from Bully Free Schools Resource Guide

 What constitutes bullying?

1)      Constant one sided teasing

2)      One sided pushing and punching

3)      A child trying to isolate another child from the group

4)      Texting mean things and fibs about another child

5)      Degrading and racist remarks

This also is true for camp counselors and volunteers, who like to joke around with the campers. They need to understand what appropriate playful fun is and what is bullying.

It’s no secret kids love summer vacation and we as adults want them to experience the same childhood memories we all hold dear to our hearts.  So this summer if you see a child being bullied speak up, enforce the camp or household rules.  Let the children know we’ve  got their back.

Copyright Richard Paul 2013

Life Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness

This past week I have been watching the Thomas Jefferson documentary on PBS.  When they talked about the Declaration of Independence and how Ben Franklin, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson were the three men elected to be the committee to write the document, Ben Franklin didn’t want to write it because he didn’t like people editing his work.  John Adams said “too many people don’t like me.”  This left Jefferson to write the entire document.

In the Declaration of Independence it talks about Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. It made me think of schools that have aggressive students bullying other students, in essence taking away the way they want to live their life at school, the freedom to feel safe, and their fears that take away any chance of happiness while at school.

I think that like our nation’s forefathers administrators, teachers, parents and students need to come together to draw up their own Declaration of Independence from aggressive, bullying behavior. Including a set of strategies, policy reinforcement and procedures that remind all students that aggressive bully behavior is no longer tolerated.  Letting it be known that a team of students, parents and staff are committed to making sure every student will have Life, Liberty and Happiness.

“Efforts to create a safe and supportive school for all students will be optimized when the school functions as an aligned system where all members, programmatic components and policy and procedures are coordinated, guided by the same underlying principles, and working toward the same goals.”   Bully Free Schools: Circle of Support Resource Guide for Trainers

Have selected students read this document weekly on the announcements, at assemblies, in the lunch room and parent night events.

Like Ben Franklin, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson you are the chosen one to speak up for those who are afraid to say STOP IT.  But instead of making excuses like Franklin and Adams, be committed to work as a team to draw up a school declaration that students, staff and parents will be proud of they will abide by.

 

Copyright Richard Paul 2013

 

Parent Involvement (The Target)

In my last article I shared how over the past three decades there have been several changes to help put an end to bullying in the schools.   According to Stopthebullying.gov forty nine states now have anti-bullying laws in place and many schools have policies in place with “zero tolerance” but for many targets of a bully this is not a enough.

If you are a parent of a target of a bully you too must not leave it up to the school to solve the problem, because in most cases they won’t.  You need to get involved.  Dan Olweus says that “you should contact the child’s teacher as soon as possible. The goal should be to achieve cooperation with the school about the problem. “

As I mentioned in many other articles you need to keep your personal baggage at home and stay focused on what is happening to your child. Be specific and make sure you follow up with the teacher, principal or social worker regularly.

“The squeaky wheel gets the grease”

The more you follow up, get involve and keep a watchful eye, the quicker you will see it pay off.

Here is a letter from a parent that attended my teacher/parent night “Stop the Bullying” presentation. Her son Colt was targeted by a bully. When she found out she contacted the principal and they took some action but Colt was still being bullied. She remembered what I shared in my program  to keep contacting the school until there is an end to the aggressive behavior.

Here is what she did:

“I contacted the school counselor and asked that she please get involved. I know that she met with Colt and he felt better after the meeting. I also contacted the teacher again explaining the manipulation this boy was using and how that can be confusing to Colt.  The boy claims to be a friend yet treats Colton horrible.  She was surprised to hear, because this young man is shy. After she heard the behind the scene details she also met with the bully and warned him. She talked to Colton and explained that it was a poisonous friendship. Soon after that the bully picked another victim and Colt stood up to him, and reported to the teacher. She then came down hard on him and met with the parents. They have not had any trouble since then.  This is a perfect example of why the adults NEED to  be involved  in giving the kids the tools they need to solve these issues that arise when there is lack of supervision at home and school.”

Thanks for all you do,

Carrie

 

This is a perfect example of how parental involvement can put an end to your child’s bullying issues, if handled correctly will pay it forward the message to other children like Colton to inspire them to report when other students are being bullied too.

 

1)      Find out the facts from your child and write them down

2)      Stay focused and share those facts with the teacher or principal

3)      Follow-up, Follow-up, Follow-up

4)      Keep a record

5)      Don’t stop till you put an end to it

 

Bullying Parent Involvement

Over the last three decades school districts, parents and students have been speaking up against bullying behavior.  Dan Olweus first published his Book Bullying At School in 1993, he describes what we know about bullying and what we can do about it.

Now in 2013, according to Stopthebullying.gov forty nine states now anti-bullying laws into place mandating schools district to implement some kind of bully prevention policies and or strategies.

But we can’t leave it all up to the schools; the parents need to get involved too. If it has been brought to your attention that your child is being aggressive toward another student you need to make it clear to the child that you do not tolerate such behavior and that they will be disciplined. Don’t just assume because you told them once it will put an end to it.  Keep your eyes and ears open; if they are doing something right praise them, if they are not remind them of your expectation.

“The parents must make it clear to their child that they take the bullying seriously, and that they will not tolerate any such behavior in the future.” Dan Olweus

1)      If you hear your child is being aggressive toward others take action

2)      Be specific

3)      Create an easy discipline chart that hangs on the refrigerator

4)      Never give a warning- Follow through

5)      Remind them daily that you love them.

For information about our Parent Night Programs visit our web site: www.ducksense.com

Copyright Richard Paul 2013

Adults Can Be Bullies Too

Many years ago after finishing my self-esteem/self-image assembly program at a middle school, I was pushing my equipment cart down the hall toward the door where my car was parked. On opposite side was a hall monitor screaming to a young man. He was shouting, “Your nothing! A loser! Do you hear me? You’re a looser!” I left my equipment by the door and walked over toward them but when the hall monitor saw that I had witnessed what he said, he quickly motioned to the student to come with him to his office. As they were walking away I commented, “Didn’t you listen to anything I shared today?” But the hall monitor just slammed the door in my face. When I reported it to the principal his answer was, “See what I have to deal with every day!”

At many of the conferences I have spoken to, teachers and counselors have shared similar stories of teachers, parents and administrative staff crossing the line when it comes to disciplining a student.

 

For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness”    Ralph Waldo Emerson

 
To paraphrase for every minute you are angry toward a child you chip away their self-worth.

There is a right way and a wrong way of disciplining a student. Screaming at and/or degrading a child is not only wrong but it may also leave a negative impression that can spread like germs.
“Just as positive actions are like seeds, rude gestures and remarks are like germs- you may not see the impact they have on you for a while, but they are there silently infecting you and everyone around you.” Power of Nice, Linda Kaplan Thaler and Rovin Kovel

 

Sir Isaac Newton’s third law of physics is Every Action has an Equal and Opposite Reaction.
If we want to reduce bullying and violence in schools adults must be the example of good behavior. As one of the parents at my Stop the Bullying session at the Michigan PTA Convention shared, “parents need to be a little more patient and monitor what their saying to their children. They need to remember they are the person their child looks up to, and the only opinion they value the most.”
If we are telling our child they are stupid or worthless the equal and opposite reaction will be lower self-image and lack of confidence creating either a violent or depressed disposition.

 

 

The right way to discipline:
1) Make sure the child understands the consequences for their actions
2) Focus on what they did and why it was wrong
3) Make sure the discipline fits the behavior
4) Never let them off with just a warning, follow through
5) Remind them that you love them unconditionally

Copyright Richard Paul 2013