The Duck Sense Bully Prevention Blog

The other day I had the opportunity to speak at a wonderful school in Goodrich, Michigan. I was setting up my equipment in the cafeteria and there was a teacher assigned to get the kids moving in and out quickly so that they could start the assembly on time.

She was praising the students with these words

“Jimmy you are cleaning up after yourself, Awesome!

“ Kelly, give me a high five, you weren’t talking while you were eating, thank you.”

“No Bobby I can’t give you seconds because you haven’t finished what you already have on your plate but I am so grateful that you asked me first.”

Notice this teacher was not using conditional statements words like: I love you when you…. I am happy when you… You are my friend when you…

All those kinds of statement put conditions on our students and children.

What the students are hearing is: if you don’t do what I say I no longer like you.

I will not love you anymore if you don’t get an “‘A “on the test.

Stan Davis in his book Schools Where Everyone Belongs writes “Focus our feedback about behavior toward actions and strategies rather than toward judgment about the student as a person or toward our own feelings about the student.”

Some students at home have to deal with conditional love every day. Studies have shown that this can cause stress, confusion, frustration, anger and lack of self-worth.

Mueller and Dweck (1998) in research spanning 30 years found that children react to conditional praise and criticism. They found that some “avoid difficult tasks for fear of failure and not being able to live up to their teacher/parents’ wishes. “

At school and at home when we take away the conditions our students and children begin to understand that they are loved and valued no matter what. This kind of unconditional love has been proven to improve self-esteem, self-worth and inspire a willingness to make the right decisions.

In Bully-Free Schools: Circle of Support Research Guide, Dee Lindenberger writes: “Maintain a positive feeling tone and strong staff connection. When Young people know they belong and are welcomed, they are more likely to try out positive behaviors.”

In the book Bully-Proofing Your School the authors say that “victims of a bully are likely to be anxious, insecure children who lack social skills and the ability to defend themselves.”  If  we add conditions to our praise we are also adding additional scars to an already emotionally torn child.

If you want to stop aggressive behavior or help the child who is afraid to socialize then take away the “conditions”of praise and begin to practice unconditional love.

Copyright Richard Paul 2013

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Many think that a bully is some one who only threatens or physically hurt someone all the time, but the truth is teasing is bullying too. We’ve all heard the phrase “sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me.” Name-calling is a form of bullying that sometimes scares people for life. When one makes fun of another person for the way they look or degrades someone because they have a learning disability, they may think it’s funny but in reality they’re hurting the other person deep inside.

Recently a friend of mine attended her twenty year class reunion, a women came up to her and shouted: “You, you are the one who made fun of me all the time, I used to go to bed crying myself to sleep. “SHAME ON YOU!”

My friend couldn’t remember what she used to say to her but apparently her target remembered every word; it was etched in her brain. This is what teasing does, it’s not cute and it’s not a part of proper social behavior.

There was a survey conducted by Professor’s Roberta and Warren Heydenberk, Ed. D.
They asked hundreds of students, which is worse physical or verbal bullying. A clear majority surveyed preferred the physical bully to the verbal. “One 12 year-old girl explained that “when you get punched, the pain goes away in a few minutes, but when someone says mean things to you or about you, the pain lasts a long time. Sometimes it even gets worse the next day.”

So how do we put an end to the teasing? I think we’d be living in a dream world if we said we can end it, but I believe we can each work to reduce it by not only teaching positive communication skills but to also walk the talk in our own lives. Children learn by example and when we as parents/teachers loose our temper and call a child stupid or label them as “bad kids or brats” we are hurting them deep inside. Our goal should be to give our children a safe academic environment while at the same time building a character based foundation at home by which they can come to understand differences and embrace the social principles of respect and responsibility.

It is one thing to teach respect and responsibility and it is another to live it.
It is one thing to tell our children not to tease another and it’s another to make a mean comment about another person in earshot of are children. The point is we need to remind ourselves that words are so powerful that they can touch the heart or bruise the brain. If we want our kids to stop the teasing and name-calling we must first clean the mud off our thoughts before we ever open our mouths. At schools and at work we are told to evaluate our programs to see if what we are doing is working. I say daily we must evaluate our words to make sure that they are respectful and kind while at the same time reminding our children that life is about getting along with other people, it is about building friendships, stepping stones by which to learn and lead successful character based lives.

Copyright Richard Paul 2013

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Press Release
Contact: Mark Tremper, 313-460-0438
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Credit Union Partners with Local Schools to Prevent Bullying
MARCH 4, 2013, LINCOLN PARK, MI– With bullying gaining the increased attention of individuals, schools, governments, and
employers across the nation, Downriver Community Federal Credit Union (DCFCU) has joined the fight against bullying
by providing the Duck Sense Bully Prevention Program to local Downriver schools.
The Duck Sense Bully Prevention Program was developed by Bully Prevention Expert, Richard Paul, and through a series
of speaking engagements for DCFCU, a partnership was formed to begin providing his curriculum at no cost to principals
and teachers who are seeking to prevent bullying in their schools. The program includes both a written curriculum that
can be used by the teachers in the classroom and a special all-school assembly featuring the puppets and ventriloquism
of Richard Paul.
“Any type of help we can get to get this problem under control is helpful. I will tell you that this program is wonderful,”
says Andrew Sueta, Principal of Foote Elementary, whose school had 372 students at their Bully Prevention Assembly to
kick off the new program. To date, there have been 5 Lincoln Park elementary schools where this program has been
implemented, all with positive reviews from the parents, teachers, principals, and students. The Credit Union is currently
making plans to make this program available to more schools with the help of other Downriver businesses.
“The credit union philosophy of ‘people helping people’ is rooted in the principle that everyone deserves respect,
regardless of income, education, appearance, or beliefs,” explains Mark Tremper, the coordinator of the bully
prevention program and Vice-President for the Credit Union, “Showing respect is foundational for a strong community
and participating in a program that encourages respect for others is right in line with how we do business as a not-forprofit
financial institution serving those who want an alternative to the ‘big banks’.”
Richard is a high energy school assembly speaker, education conference presenter, and ventriloquist. He shares his
passion for bully prevention education to audiences in both the United States and Canada. Born with a birth defect (his
right arm is missing three fingers and shorter than his left), he knows first-hand how it feels to be bullied. He shares
with his audiences various stories and strategies to help students who are targets of bullying. He reinforces why bullying
is wrong, and why it needs to be reported.
Richard Paul is a published author and member of International Bully Prevention Association, Association for Conflict
Resolution, National Self Esteem Association, Michigan PTA, Michigan Education Association, National Speakers
Association and Charter member and former President of the Central Macomb Optimist Club. His mission is to change
the world “one duck at a time” by motivating students to appreciate and respect each other. He promotes parental bully
prevention involvement and give students and teachers the tools needed to get involved, speak up and put an end to
this international crisis. Information about Richard and the Duck Sense Bully Prevention Program can be found at
www.ducksense.com.
Downriver Community Federal Credit Union is a full-service financial institution founded in 1942 and is owned and
controlled by over 19,000 members with four office locations, including Ecorse, Lincoln Park, Woodhaven, and
Wyandotte. Membership is open to anyone who lives, works, worships, or attends school in 18 Downriver communities.
Businesses or other legal entities located in these communities can utilize the services of the credit union, as well. To
learn more about the Credit Union’s bully prevention initiative, contact Mark Tremper at 313-460-0438. More
information about the Credit Union can be found at www.downrivercommfcu.com.
* * *

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When you “pay if forward”, the hope is that you will inspire others to do the same. If you help someone change a flat tire, they will feel so good, that they may pay someone else’s’ parking meter. If everyone kept passing kindness to the next person, there would be a non-stop flow of good deeds.

Paying it forward is something someone does because they want to do it and it should be done without looking for something in return.

Example: There was a young man who was looking for a job. Everywhere he went he had no success.
After a full day of job hunting he was about to climb on his bike to go home, when he saw a lady almost dropping four grocery bags, he dropped his bike to the ground and ran over to help her. He helped her carry them down the block and up the stairs of her apartment. She offered to pay him but he refused to take the money. About a week later he stopped into a pet shop that had a “Help Wanted” sign in the window. When he walked up to the counter asked the women who owned store for an applications. The owner recognized him immediately, thanked him again for helping her with the grocery bags and gave him the job.

Little things like this that we do can not only help reinforce our positive behavior skills but also pay forward and unseen investment that will eventually pay us back tenfold.

There are schools that have teachers and staff acting as secret mentors who are Paying it Forward to the students in their school. Each teacher or staff member have a selected number of students that they agreed to take notice, cheer on and support. As one middle school teacher explained to me: “There are some students in my school who may never hear a complement at home. That is why I make it a point that they hear one from me every day.”

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Report on Violance in Schools found that adolescents who viewed their teachers as providing both academic and emotional support were less likely to experience alienation from school or emotional distress.

School staff I talk to who implement this secret mentor program notice a reduction in aggressive behavior and disrespect.

I am sure you remember a teacher who patted you on the back and might have said something like, “hang in there” and you may still remember how good it felt. Well now it is your turn to “pay it forward”.

Copyright Richard Paul 2013

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I attended a two day seminar on bully prevention. We discussed one of the problems facing many of our schools; “A lack of consistency when disciplining aggressive behavior (bullying).”
We ask our children to stand-up for themselves or speak up against bullying but if there is no real structure of rules or discipline in place, we are setting them up for failure and further pain.
As I mentioned in my last blog there needs to be set rules and consequences. Teachers, school administration, and staff all need to understand these rules and consequences and enforce them as written.
I have presented my bully prevention programs at many schools throughout the United States and Canada. They usually bring me in to kick off or to reinforce their school wide bully free, safe school program. Several of these schools have a positive behavior program or promote buddies instead of bullies plan in place. They pride themselves with having a strong commitment from teachers, students and staff. They may even have students filling their buckets with good behavior rewards. But if a student reports another student for bullying behavior and the aggressor (bully) is let off with just a warning, it sends the message to the whole school that you can get away with disrespectful behavior.
“Consistent enforcement of the code of conduct requires active vigilant supervision and is one of the most effective and economical prevention strategies.” Dorothea Ross
Dr. Dan Olweus wrote, “The single most effective deterrent to bully behavior is adult authority.” If schools really want to put an end to bullying and want their students to speak up against bullying, they need to walk the talk. They need to enforce the rules and consequences at all times. Every student in the school must know that if they break the rules they will be disciplined. Students also need to feel secure in knowing that if they report a student for aggressive (bully) behavior that the principal or teacher will enforce the schools code of conduct or rules without any variation.
Recently I spoke at a school in Lincoln Park, Michigan. I was happy to hear that in addition to the principal and teachers, the cooks and the janitorial staff was also on board to promote a bully free school. All the students know that if they are caught breaking the school and/or cafeteria code of conduct rules they will be disciplined accordingly. One cook told me, “I hear new student being told by old students to never break the rules because YOU WILL GET IN TROUBLE with Mrs. A, she never gives in.”
Never Give In!
If you have rules in place, ENFORCE THEM! Don’t be the one that gives just a warning. Let the students understand that there is no weak link when it comes to disciplining bully behavior. Let the targets of a bully, and the students speaking up against bullying know you appreciate their efforts to make the report, and YOU WON’T LET THEM DOWN.
Copyright Richard Paul 2013

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Seven years I adopted a white German Shepherd mix from the Kalamazoo Animal Rescue. When we drove over to meet him he was an angel. I played with him, walked him and decided quickly without consulting my wife and kids to adopt the dog.

Needless to say when he came into our home he turned from this calm laid back dog into a monster. It got to the point where my wife said, “It’s either me or that crazy dog!”

I called some friends who knew a dog trainer and when I told him my wife gave me the ultimatum he said, “Do you like your wife?” Then he asked me a bunch of questions and said, “The problem is you have no rules and consequences. You need to figure out your rules, what this dog can or cannot do and enforce them. The dog needs to understand the consequences so he can begin to learn what is right and what is wrong. Most importantly you need to be specific and stick to it!” We did what he said and implemented positive training and overtime he has become great loving family friend.

Let’s be clear our children are not dogs, but there needs to be rules at school and at home that children/students can understand and know what will happen if they break those rules.
For example many children are involved in a sport. From day one they are taught what to do and what not to do. They’re given a set of rules or boundaries and if a player breaks a rule or steps out of the boundaries there are consequences. When my daughter plays softball if she gets three strikes she’s out.

At home and at school we need to discuss the rules and the consequences with our children and students. They need to know without a doubt that if you break a rule they will disciplined accordingly. There can be no second chance, or allowing even one child to slack off. If this is done even once, they will take advantage of you or the situation.

I was at a restaurant a few weeks ago and I overheard a mother saying to her child, “If you do that one more time we are going home!” After eight more times the child was still aggressive and unruly and she was still threatening to take him home.

Like New Year’s resolutions if you don’t actually implement them then why even write them out or bother saying you are going to do something if you’re not going to follow through.

Now you may be thinking that I am talking about ZERO TOLERANCE, severe and punitive consequences and or punishment. Now I totally agree that a child needs to be suspended or removed from a school if they have brought a weapon to school or physically hurt or attempted to hurt students or teachers.
But there also needs to be a set of rules for things outside of this kind of behavior. To suspend a child for tripping, shoving or calling another child a name may be a little over the top.

Michigan Public Policy Initiative in 2003 reported, “It is estimated that more than 3600 students were expelled from Michigan schools during academic year 1999-2000. Many of these students were expelled for behaviors that once would have been considered nothing more that adolescent antics or poor judgment.”

Yes we need to have severe consequences for the student who is clearly out to attack or physically hurt another child, but there also needs to be a different set of rules and consequences for other aggressive and disrespectful behavior.

The Michigan Strategic Alternative in Prevention Education has put together a program entitled, “Bully Free Schools.” As part of this program they discuss how administrators and staff can create a “discipline rubric” that has three levels of behavior; low level aggression, moderate level aggression, severe level aggression. They also explain how to put together first time, second time and third time consequences.
What I love the most about creating this rubric is that you as a school or family can create this to fit your goals and objectives. You can also have the child who has broken the rule look at it and figure out his or her own consequences.

Almost every school that I have presented my bully prevention programs to has in place some kind of positive behavior support system. However the teachers and the student often don’t seem to have a clear understanding of the rules and the consequences.

Constantly reinforce positive behavior support. Explain the rule and consequences more than once so students will come to understand that misbehaving, hurting or bullying another will require authorities to discipline them for their actions.

Copyright Richard Paul 2013

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Songwriters: BROWNE, JACKSON

Keep a fire burning in your eye
Pay attention to the open sky
You never know what will be coming down
I don’t remember losing track of you
You were always dancing in and out of view
I must have thought you’d always be around
Always keeping things real by playing the clown
Now you’re nowhere to be found

I don’t know what happens when people die
Can’t seem to grasp it as hard as I try
It’s like a song I can hear playing right in my ear
That I can’t sing
I can’t help listening
And I can’t help feeling stupid standing ’round
Crying as they ease you down
’cause I know that you’d rather we were dancing
Dancing our sorrow away
(right on dancing)
No matter what fate chooses to play
(there’s nothing you can do about it anyway)
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jackson+browne/for+a+dancer_20068619.html ]
Just do the steps that you’ve been shown
By everyone you’ve ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours
Another’s steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you’ll do alone

Keep a fire for the human race
Let your prayers go drifting into space
You never know what will be coming down
Perhaps a better world is drawing near
And just as easily it could all disappear
Along with whatever meaning you might have found
Don’t let the uncertainty turn you around
(the world keeps turning around and around)
Go on and make a joyful sound

Into a dancer you have grown
From a seed somebody else has thrown
Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own
And somewhere between the time you arrive
And the time you go
May lie a reason you were alive
But you’ll never know

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We as adults have to watch what we say and do.

If we teach positive behavior skills we too must walk the talk.

I always tell my audience members that I am learning everyday, what to say and what not to say  both on and off the podium.

I have learned to value suggestions and comments from audience members and clients.

If we want our kids to be better than we need to be better too.

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Tuesday was the first day of school for most students in Michigan but in many other states school started two to three weeks ago.  As one of my clients from North Dakota put it, “this is the honeymoon period,” it’s the time when students figure out the layout of the school, meet new students and discover where they stand on the social ladder.

Does this mean that there is no bullying? No

As one 8^th grader put it last week, “they’re already making fun of me because I am short, and because my skin is darker than theirs.”

Now is the time you put your bully prevention plan in place.

Now is the time you have your kick off assembly programs

Now is the time you implement a daily, not weekly or monthly, but a daily program that reminds the students what it is, why it is wrong and how to report it.

There are many assemblies and programs available so make sure you do your research to find out if the person you’re thinking on bringing in is going to speak to the heart of the students or just talk basic bully prevention.

Now is the time to be serious about bully prevention.

Richard Paul

Copyright Richard Paul 2012

http://www.richardpaul.com/no_bully_ebook.shtml

www.ducksense.com

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http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/highschool-prep-rally/inspiring-elementary-schooler-cerebral-palsy-runs-amazing-400-154523256.html;_ylt=ArGlv73Ma1yeaUOq1ZlSKesavMB_;_ylu=X3oDMTNrbGpnbnM4BGNjb2RlA2N0LmMEbWl0AwRwa2cDMTM3MmFjNTUtYjFkNi0zMjdhLTk2OGUtZGIwMmIxYzQ3YjcwBHBvcwMyBHNlYwNmYmFyLWZlYQR2ZXIDZGQyNTllMzAtYWI3Yy0xMWUxLWJmNjMtY2I2ODc0NGQ5NTNh;_ylg=X3oDMTFidGFiZDBqBHBzdGFpZAMxMzcyYWM1NS1iMWQ2LTMyN2EtOTY4ZS1kYjAyYjFjNDdiNzA-;_ylv=3

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