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The Best Way to Build Character

Click here for video Best Way to Build Character

Rodrigo Lagdameo

Your No Bully Program sounds like a winner. It’s great to see that your are making a direct impact on raising kid’s self-esteem.

Promoting Self-Esteem

I heard a joke about a Psychologist having a sale and the slogan was “OUR PRICES ARE LOWER THAN YOUR SELF-ESTEEM.”

Over the years we have heard the importance of having a positive attitude or self-esteem. The problem is that we have been programmed to value ourselves by what we have rather than who we are. The only time we awaken from this myth is when something physically or emotional happens to kick us in the pants to want to think differently.

A great way to build self-esteem and self-worth is to create a list of the things you can do and or the things you have accomplished over the years. We are so quick to cheer on or idolize other and forget that we have a purpose and are an asset to this world. The quicker we remind ourselves of this the better off we will be.

I present my No Bully Program at schools all over the country and I see so many posters promoting self-esteem. Unfortunately when I meet the parents and some of the teachers it is obvious that they didn’t read the poster or they have failed to climb on board to be positive roll models for their kids.

If we want to put an end to bullying in your community and at your schools you must not only promote self-esteem but also live it.

Another article sent by a member…

How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying

“If you stop making fun of me,
I promise to stop making fun of you!”
Introduction
(This material is copyrighted. It is meant to help as many people as possible. You may copy and pass it on to others on the condition that proper credit is given to the author and that this message remains in place.)
But first, a little story.
Johnny is visiting a new town. In front of a big, magnificent old house, he sees another boy, surrounded by hundreds of pigeons, throwing bread crumbs on the sidewalk. Wanting to start up a conversation, he asks the boy, “What’s your name?”

“Billy,” says the boy.

“And what are you doing?” Johnny asks Billy.

“I’m making the pigeons go away,” Billy answers.

“What do you mean, you’re making them go away?” the astounded Johnny asks.

“Yes. I’m making them go away. Every day, day after day, for many generations, these birds have been coming to our house at the same time every morning. They are a terrible nuisance. The noise they make is unbearable and it’s almost impossible to walk on the sidewalk. And the slippery, yucky mess they leave all over the place is the worst thing of all.”

“So why are you throwing them bread,” the impatient Johnny asks.

“My ancestors tried everything, and discovered that the only thing that makes them go away is bread crumbs. As soon as the last crumb is finished, they suddenly can’t stand being here. Then they all fly away and we don’t see them again for a whole day!”

I hope this story made you laugh, or at least chuckle. That Billy sure was stupid. He thought he was chasing the birds away, but he was really making them come. “So, what,” you may be wondering, “does this story have to do with teasing victims?” Lots! Just keep on reading and you’ll soon understand.

How to stop being a teasing victim
The Instructions
Read these lessons carefully. If you are a teasing victim, they will change your life. Just follow the simple advice you’ll get here and your days of being a teasing victim will soon be history. I have to warn you, though: You must follow the advice exactly, or I can’t promise that you will succeed. Do it even if you have a hard time believing that it will work or that it can be so simple. Don’t worry, though. Everything I will tell you to do is very, very easy. One week should be enough to know if it’s working. You’ve been doing things your way for years, and you’re still being teased. Now I’m asking you to do it my way for only seven days.

You may think it’s crazy for me to be telling you that you can stop your teasers quickly and easily. After all, you have been working so hard for years to make the teasing stop, but nobody — not you, not your parents, and not even your teachers — has succeeded in stopping people from teasing you. If all your efforts have brought you nothing but frustration, then the solution must be very, very difficult! Right?

Wrong! The solution is not difficult. In fact, it’s incredibly easy! What you have been doing is extremely hard. Way too hard!!! Think of it this way: What are all those kids who don’t get teased doing to stop their teasers?… Nothing?… That’s right! Nothing! They are doing nothing! Why? Because they’re not getting teased! If you’re not being teased, how can you be doing anything to stop it?! Only people who are teased can be trying to make it stop. If you are going to become someone who isn’t teased, then you have to become someone who isn’t doing anything to stop the teasing!

Does this sound confusing? If it does, that’s fine. Because I’m going to make you unconfused. And unteased.

The instructions are presented in ten easy lessons. As you will see, these instructions require you to do almost nothing. They are all based on seeing things differently, and then not doing the things you have been used to doing. You will save a lot of energy and get the results you really want. Sound good? Well, it should, because it is good!

You don’t need to learn all ten lessons to start. But you should read the first five. They are not long, and the benefits will be well worth your time. The first five lessons will give you what you need to make the teasing stop. If you want to read the others now, that’s fine. But it’s also OK to read them in a week or so, after you have had a chance to see how wonderfully the first five lessons have worked.

Article sent to us by a member

July 10, 2009, Child Development
Free Website Manual Saves Life of a Bullying Victim
How a free website manual succeeded when everything else failed.
The modern world is trying so hard to find the solution for the suffering of victims of bullying, and we are doing it by trying to pass school anti-bully laws, as though a law can make bullying magically disappear from schools. In fact, now pressure is being put on the US Congress to do something about bullying. But how can Congress make bullying disappear from schools when anti-bully programs have a dismal success record? And does Congress even know how to get rid of bulling within Congress?

The truly ironic thing is that the solution has been known for thousands of years. It is called “wisdom.” All wisdom is about using our brains to understand and solve problems. Expecting the government to help us by protecting us from bullies and by punishing them for us is not wisdom – it is foolishness.

Related Articles
The “Perfect” Anti-Bully Law
Website Saves Victims of Bullying
Time to End the Bully Witch-Hunt
Izzy Kalman
New Evidence Against Anti-Bully Policies
And this is the basis of my approach: to provide people with the wisdom to solve their own problems. That this has become a revolutionary approach to bullying is mind-boggling to me. This is supposed to be the very basis of the psychological helping professions.

Anyway, every once in a while I get a wonderful letter from someone who benefited from the free material on my website. I created my webiste, www.Bullies2Buddies.com, so I could provide the simple, age-old solution to bullying to those who are suffering, and nothing makes me happier than to see that it is accomplishing its mission. A few months ago, I featured one such story. You can read it here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-bully-witch-hunt/200902/website-saves-victims-bullying

More recently, one of my blog readers who identifies herself as Concerned Parent wrote a comment that was so well written, and expresses just about everything I have been trying to teach about the wrong and the right way to deal with bullying, that I believe it deserves to be read by all my blog readers. (I left out a couple of sentences that I felt weren’t particularly relevant to the story.)

I am happy to offer my experience — the basis of “empirical evidence.”

My son attends a large magnet school for academically-talented kids. The first year he was bullied I reported it to the vice-principal, who said, in no uncertain terms, that he would take care of it. He handled it according to policy (they have a “whole school policy”) and things grew worse, for now not only was the group of 8 other boys bullying him but they let other kids know that they had gotten in trouble for it. Soon other kids joined in to bully him, and along with them an administrator/teacher who felt that my son deserved to be bullied. (One thing administrators don’t get is that bullied kids often look as if they are troublemakers, because they are responding to being punched in the back, stabbed with pencils, books thrown to the floor, etc). In fact, this teacher started viciously bullying my son herself. Then I had to intervene with her and threaten action (she got quite out of hand with her bullying). When this happened, she mocked my son one last time and warned other teachers that my son was a “troublemaker.” So then he was labeled by teachers and ostracized and bullied by kids, and it mushroomed and mushroomed out of control, including physical, verbal, cyber- and cell-phone bullying. His accounts were hacked, he was receiving ugly text messages and phone calls. Awful.

At this point other administrators got involved, and it continued to escalate until one day my son received a terrible death threat, detailed and gruesome, so ugly that he feared going to school. I reported it to the school and they followed procedure and brought the two boys together for “conflict resolution.” Good lord. Now the kid who threatened my son became a hero, and more kids began to threaten and mock my son. Every intervention made things worse: mine, teachers, administrators, psychologists, on and on, auditorium programs, ridiculous health class exercises, classroom visits from high school kids. Meantime, I was madly reading everything I could lay my hands on about bullying — I was up days and nights researching — (I have a Ph.D. so know my way around the library). I also sought professional help–child psychologists, well-regarded–and their advice was the same as the literature: ineffective.

And when you watch your child sinking, helpless, into suicidal thoughts, panic, despair, I cannot tell you how terrible that is. Changing schools, in his condition, made little sense and was a huge gamble since, given the world we live in, the bullying was quite likely to find its way to any other school he attended, and I wasn’t in a position to move out of the city.

In my son’s darkest hour, I happened upon Mr. Kalman’s website. It sounded crazy to me, but I was out of answers. He was the only one to sound a different note–it’s remarkable how homogenous the bullying literature is. There was also a kind of common sense in his approach, a practical wisdom and understanding that the bullying literature simply doesn’t have. The bullying literature is, in effect, literature about literature rather than observation and analysis of specific cases, generally. Those that look at empirical evidence invariably conclude that the approaches don’t work

What I came to learn, personally and from the mountain of research I read, is that they DO NOT WORK. They exacerbate the problem. They make the bullied kid feel terrible about himself, and they excite and expand the ranks of the bullies.

But I can’t say that I approached Mr. Kalman’s method with great confidence. It seemed too straightforward.

My son tried it and it worked. It worked instantly. One day he was bullied, the next day it stopped. He didn’t even have to wait it out the way Mr. Kalman predicted. Kids immediately (weirdly, almost magically) lost interest as soon as my son acted nonchalant in response to their mockery. Frankly, this experience has had a terrible effect on my own feelings about human beings: we are a bunch of monkeys, easily aroused and easily manipulated.

Let me add that Mr. Kalman’s advice is not to “ignore” bullying. That’s a naive reduction. Its real force is that it empowers the victim, teaches him not to take the attacks personally, not to own it. You must learn to respond to provocation with a different, empowered attitude–nonchalant, unaffected, even mildly amused or surprised by the bullying behavior. That’s easier said than done when your self-esteem is being pummeled, but somehow my son managed. He pulled it off and it worked like a charm. Truly, like a charm. It has been several months now, and he is no longer the object of assault. Now and again he gets teased, but he blows it off and, as Mr. Kalman observes, the teasing moves on in search of another victim. He has learned to roll with, or roll off, the punches.

He’s stronger, sadly, and less open to people, less the outgoing, funny, popular kid he was before all this brutality. No more panic attacks, no more depression. But he’s back on honor roll, he is making–very tentatively–a few friends. He’s taking an interest in his appearance and doesn’t dread going to school, or no more than any teen-age boy.

I have the feeling that Mr. Kalman saved my son’s life. Bravo, Mr. K. Glad to hear that someone is joining in this important work. Perhaps soon you can accumulate enough “empirical evidence” to have an impact on monkey island.

Concerned Parent, thank you so much for your letter, and I hope that it will spur others in a similar situation to visit my website and find the solution to their misery.

My free manual, How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied without Really Trying, as well as two other manuals, can be accessed here: http://www.bullies2buddies.com/resources/download-free-manuals
To further help victims of bullying, you can have them watch the following video clips”: The Idiot Game: http://www.bullies2buddies.com/?q=node/139
Social Exclusion: http://www.bullies2buddies.com/?q=node/138
Best Wishes,

Izzy Kalman

Bully Awareness and Involvement

The Godfather of understanding bullying issues Dan Olweus, explains in his book, Bully at School,”the two important prerequisites to successful intervention are awareness and active involvement.”

Let’s first talk about awareness. Basically, awareness it is not having a blind eye when it comes to children in the hall or on the playground. Not thinking, “well they’re just kids and they can handle it.” I have spoken at many teacher/parent organizations and a teacher or parent will say, “I was on the playground and didn’t see or hear a thing.” I then explain that the reason why they didn’t see anything is because most bullying occurs in seconds. Quick punch, push, threat so fast that only the victim or students around the situation can actually see what is going on.

When you keep a watchful eye like one would do when walking down a dark alley you will be alert and aware of the surroundings.

I remember in high school two kids would bully me in class; push me or make fun of my birth defect. Rarely did a teacher step in to help. Why? Because they never saw what was happening to the victim. If there is a new kid in class or someone you know that has some self-esteem issues you need to keep a special eye and ear open. Step in with a friendly “Your going to do what?”

I had a teacher in high school that did just that he heard a kid threaten to kick my XXX after school and he stepped right in with a big smile on his face, warning the kid that if he did anything to me after school he would be cleaning out his office for a week.

He helped end the problem before there was one and thanks to his awareness of the situation and willingness to intervene the bully stopped picking on me or anyone else in school.

Be aware and willing to get involved and you will help the victim and the school put an end to the bullying.

Copy Right Richard Paul 2009